what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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