I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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