theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
