i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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