He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
