I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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