I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just blew my weed a kiss
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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