Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
