could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
