sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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