I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
