Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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