Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
