So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
