I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
