She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
