I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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