cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
