She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
