I am puke
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
