Banned from zoo.
Again?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize