I wish my penis had an off switch
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I wish they made helmets for livers.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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