how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
