I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
