listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
