I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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