just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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