I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
