I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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