halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize