Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
