So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
