Please, let me fuck your mom
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
