She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
