She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
