he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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