This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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