A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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