Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize