Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
