I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My liver just had a heart attack.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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