imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
