We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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