turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize