my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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