This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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