Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
