So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
