I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
