Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
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