just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
