My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You ate ashes out of my bong
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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