My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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