I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
