we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
