This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
