I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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