Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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