Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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