guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
