I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
