i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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