when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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